Daily Archives: July 12, 2015

Romance for Jewish Men


According to a recent survey, on average, an American Jewish man under 75 will have sex once a week, whereas a Japanese man the same age will have sex only once a year.

This was very upsetting news to many of my Jewish friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.

 
 


 

A Doctor’s Answer to an Age Old Question…



A DOCTOR’S ANSWER TO AN AGE OLD QUESTION:
GUTS OR BALLS?

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”.  We’ve heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS – Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say, “You’re next, Chubby.”

I trust this clears up any confusion.  Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.


 

Clever Signs


Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”


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In a Podiatrist’s office:

“Time wounds all heels.”

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On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels

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At an Optometrist’s Office:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for,
you’ve come to the right place.”

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On a Plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

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On another Plumber’s truck:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

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At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

“Invite us to your next blowout.”

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On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts.”

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In a Non-smoking Area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

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On a
 
Maternity Room door:

“Push. Push. Push.”

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At a Car Dealership:

“The best way to get back on your feet –
 
miss a car payment.”

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Outside a Muffler Shop:

“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

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In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

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At the Electric Company

“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

However, if you don’t, you will be.”

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In a Restaurant window:

“Don’t stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up.”

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In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

“Drive carefully We’ll wait.”

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At a Propane Filling Station:

“Thank heaven for little grills.”

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And don’t forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

“Best place in town to take a leak.”

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Any Blondes Out There?


Any Blondes Out There?

FIRST DEGREE  
A married couple were asleep when the phone
rang at 2 in the morning.

The very blonde wife picked up the phone,
listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles
from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’

The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’ 

SECOND DEGREE
  
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror
and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’

The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’

So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’

THIRD DEGREE

 
 
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the
door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really
angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is
overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’
The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’ 

FOURTH DEGREE

 
 
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, … I know ’em all.’

A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?’
The blonde replies,’Oh, that’s easy .. it’s W.’ 

FIFTH DEGREE 
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: ‘Is it mine?’

SIXTH DEGREE

 
 
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US
Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what
Roe vs. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, ‘That was the decision 
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.’

SEVENTH DEGREE 
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio,
and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde 
ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then 
sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come 
home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do 
they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’